Today has been a remarkable day for me as Catherine's mum. I'm not sure what has happened, but I am starting to feel that at last, the knot that has been in the pit of my stomach since Catherine's diagnosis may actually be beginning to untie. Today I have not felt on alert - I have felt free and easy for the first time in ages. I am still fully aware that Catherine had leukaemia and that she still needs blood tests and check-ups for the next four years, but something changed today.
Catherine, by the way, continues to do well and is now back at school after breaking her leg! I met a lady today that told me her daughter still has some leg pain occasionally years after, and whilst I was initially a bit sad about this, I was pleased to know this was possible otherwise the leg pain may have made me jump to some big conclusions (leg pain was the earliest symptom of Catherine's illness).
Anyway, this personal breakthrough doesn't feel like a fleeting moment. I just want those other onco-parents that read our story to know that there is hope and there will be some calm after the storm. Every blessing to you all in your journeys x
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Nearly 6!!!
Two weeks from today and Catherine will be 6! Since coming off chemotherapy, Catherine has been doing really well apart from breaking her leg a couple of weeks ago. This means we have to wait until 13th April to celebrate her birthday so that she will be able to have her cast off and dance like she wants to! She has coped so well with having her broken leg. Basically, she did it running into an older boy in the playground. At first I was really worried that the chemo had damaged her bones but it seems the chemo should not have made a difference. It was her lower leg that was damaged and she had to have a general anaesthetic to re-set the bones, not that she was bothered, having had 40+ anaesthetics before!! Her consultant says she is 'healing remarkably well' so I am sure she will get her dream of dancing at her birthday. That reminds me...I'd better start planning a party...
Sunday, 23 January 2011
How's it going?
Well, you will be pleased to know that my Catherine is doing really well. She has had some check ups following the end of treatment and all is going well for her. No longer does she struggle to walk long distances, she has colour in her cheeks and her hair is down past her shoulders. No more worry about blood counts, chemotherapy medicines etc. Just one bubbly pretty little mischief who is living her life to the full. What an amazing witness of God's healing and grace.
As a family we are still trying to get to some sense of normality. We have actually booked some holidays this year - unusual as you may remember we could not plan ahead or travel far because of Catherine's two years of treatment. We are still very raw from the whole experience. I still feel very stressed about what happened, and my mind and body are still trying to accept that the threat is over. The lady at ClicSargeant said that it is very normal to feel the anxiety of such a big thing as this AFTER the event. Odd but true. It seems that we can go on autopilot for so long, but when the threat is over, our body and mind has to deal with everything that was put on hold.
So this is Catherine and this is me. We are doing ok but still trying to regain some sense of peace. Prayers would be most welcome. And wherever you are and in whatever you are doing, continue to expect miracles. Dawn x
As a family we are still trying to get to some sense of normality. We have actually booked some holidays this year - unusual as you may remember we could not plan ahead or travel far because of Catherine's two years of treatment. We are still very raw from the whole experience. I still feel very stressed about what happened, and my mind and body are still trying to accept that the threat is over. The lady at ClicSargeant said that it is very normal to feel the anxiety of such a big thing as this AFTER the event. Odd but true. It seems that we can go on autopilot for so long, but when the threat is over, our body and mind has to deal with everything that was put on hold.
So this is Catherine and this is me. We are doing ok but still trying to regain some sense of peace. Prayers would be most welcome. And wherever you are and in whatever you are doing, continue to expect miracles. Dawn x
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
Praise God
Catherine's blood counts are normal for the first time in two years. Her body is producing only lots of lovely good blood cells and she has grown 2cm since she finished treatment. Today Catherine has a cold, but because she now has an immune system we didn't need to go anywhere near the hospital! Her portacath is being removed next Tuesday under general anaesthetic. Prayers would be welcome for this please. God is Good!
Sunday, 31 October 2010
The Godfather
I have been thinking recently about the people who have helped and cared for us whilst we were going through the rubbish that was Catherine's illness, and today I thought I would tell you about her Godfather!
When Catherine was in Leeds hospital, the only friend we had who was nearby was Jonathan. Immediately that he heard about Catherine's diagnosis, he was at the hospital. I remember the first time he visited, in his Salvation Army uniform to make sure he could get to see us (supposedly Army uniform gives a little bit more authority than just wearing civvies!). We were so pleased to see him, and practically every day after that, Jonathan was at the hospital, being a huge emotional support for all of us. He helped me move my stuff in to the 'Home From Home' house for parents of ill children. He even took me to ASDA where we bought some stuff and some very stylish (and funny) slippers for Mark, and he bought copious amounts of chinese take away. He spent his own money travelling to-and-from that hospital, coming to visit even when he had had long days at work. Basically, he was a God-send. And if it wasn't for Jonathan, we would never have had the Pray for Catherine site which still has 1092 members, all who prayed for Catherine to be healed: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=71748450211&v=wall
Jonathan also arranged for Catherine to be prayed for by members of Rick Warren's Saddleback Church (then 15000 people), the General of The Salvation Army and other important figures in the Christian Faith. For this we are so grateful, as it made sure that God was able to do all the miracles we so wanted him to do. So much so that it only seemed right that he became 'The Godfather' to Catherine in April this year. His wife Nikki, who also travelled out of her way to visit Catherine in hospital, is now her Godmother. So now I have fully embarrassed them both, I shall go to bed. But thank you SO MUCH guys. We love you :)
When Catherine was in Leeds hospital, the only friend we had who was nearby was Jonathan. Immediately that he heard about Catherine's diagnosis, he was at the hospital. I remember the first time he visited, in his Salvation Army uniform to make sure he could get to see us (supposedly Army uniform gives a little bit more authority than just wearing civvies!). We were so pleased to see him, and practically every day after that, Jonathan was at the hospital, being a huge emotional support for all of us. He helped me move my stuff in to the 'Home From Home' house for parents of ill children. He even took me to ASDA where we bought some stuff and some very stylish (and funny) slippers for Mark, and he bought copious amounts of chinese take away. He spent his own money travelling to-and-from that hospital, coming to visit even when he had had long days at work. Basically, he was a God-send. And if it wasn't for Jonathan, we would never have had the Pray for Catherine site which still has 1092 members, all who prayed for Catherine to be healed: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=71748450211&v=wall
Jonathan also arranged for Catherine to be prayed for by members of Rick Warren's Saddleback Church (then 15000 people), the General of The Salvation Army and other important figures in the Christian Faith. For this we are so grateful, as it made sure that God was able to do all the miracles we so wanted him to do. So much so that it only seemed right that he became 'The Godfather' to Catherine in April this year. His wife Nikki, who also travelled out of her way to visit Catherine in hospital, is now her Godmother. So now I have fully embarrassed them both, I shall go to bed. But thank you SO MUCH guys. We love you :)
Saturday, 30 October 2010
What to say?
Two years of constant stress, worries about infections, side effects of treatment and getting a little girl through chemotherapy have really taken their toll. I am coping and getting through every day and I'm not even depressed. But emotionally there is a knot that I cannot untie. Mention Catherine to me and how great it is that she has finished treatment and you will get the expected 'Yes, it is great isn't it'. But I am not great.
My little girl has got through all this and mentally she is pretty much unscathed. She has a phobia of needles and sometimes talks about when her hair fell out, but otherwise she is doing ok. But all the 'keeping a stiff upper lip' and jollying Catherine along that I have been doing the last couple of years has not been good for me. All the playing down of Catherine's sickness and nausea, all the chivvying along telling her she would be ok, all the bouncing around to try and make her feel better, all the 'making normal' has driven me, quite frankly, mildly insane.
Smiling on the outside whilst my head was screaming 'MY LITTLE GIRL HAS CANCER. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS??????'
Every day thinking and feeling I LOVE MY KID. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?
I sat with Catherine tonight on the sofa as she had leg pains. She had been out walking and her legs hurt. I nearly cried there and then. Painful legs were the first symptom of Leukaemia. I remember reading in my home doctor journal two years ago about painful legs and they were either a sign of growing pains or leukaemia. At the time I thought 'growing pains...that must be it. It could NEVER be leukaemia'. Oh how wrong I was.
Now I live my life in a weird sense of tension, constantly on alert. It is almost like I have been through a war zone and am now trying to believe it is over. And whilst I keep trying to fool myself that I am ok and Catherine is doing ok and everything will be fine now, my subconscious mind keeps telling me that life is actually quite dangerous and anything can happen at any time. Seriously, if in the next few days some trick-or-treater comes up and whispers 'boo' over my shoulder, I will leap out of my skin!
It isn't just Catherine's illness that I have dealt with over the past few years. I was diagnosed with heart failure after the birth of Catherine's brother and was told that I might live or die and that it was too early to tell (I was diagnosed April this year). Miraculously, God healed my heart but even after a miracle, I still feel like I have been in the trenches for too long.
So there you have it! And whilst I am so grateful to God for his healing of my child, and whilst I am so lucky that medical treatments mean she is still here, I am hurting. And I imagine that Suzanne is probably the only other person who reads this who might have some understanding of what on earth I am going on about...but then again there may be others and I might be wrong...
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